Spirituality: Things You Wanted to Know but were too Afraid to Ask

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Introduction

Let’s face it: this year has been a bit crazy. And though the year is now coming to a close, the crazy is not over yet. We are currently in the middle of a transition from old consciousness to new, and there are going to be some more “growing pains” in the coming years. But there also is a lot to be positive about.

For instance, there is an ever increasing number of people who are interested in spirituality (or at least think they are as long as recreational drugs are involved). And that is great news for society, and great news for the planet. 

But not surprisingly, many of these new “converts” are a bit…lost. They have a lot of questions, and are looking for answers. For example, one man realizes that he needs an open marriage to become spiritually enlightened, but his wife refuses. So what is that guy supposed to do?

These are the types of practical questions that need answers. (And who better to answer them than me?) To ease your troubled minds, I have provided answers to the top burning questions on everyone’s minds as we enter a new world of higher consciousness. So let’s begin, shall we?

Question: My sister is a real bitch. She is so awful, in fact, that her negative karma should kill her at any instant. When can I expect her to drop dead? (I’m really tired of seeing her when I go home to beg for money from our parents.)

Answer: I just checked with my in-house psychic (a $5 app on my phone). It claims that you are so spiritually advanced that your sister has incarnated in this lifetime in order to test you. All you need to do is drop your animosity towards her and love her with all your heart.

But since loving someone really isn’t practical, what I advise you to do is pretend to love her. And if you are convincing enough, it should infuriate your sister to the point that she suffers a mental breakdown. Then you simply visit her in the crazy house and finish her off with a well-placed pillow. (God works in mysterious ways, am I right?)

Question: I think my co-worker is an energy vampire. Every time I am around him, I feel so drained! 

Answer: Thank God for your intuitive abilities; not everyone has the spiritual gifts necessary to sense an energy vampire. People usually just blame their tiredness of staying up all night playing video games.

You must act quickly, because time is of the essence. If your coworker is able to drain off 85% of your light quotient, your chances of ascending in this lifetime will be in serious jeopardy. Therefore, the next time you see him, you must tell him the following word for word: 

“Hi friend. In our five last lifetimes together, I was a total asshole to you. I screamed at you, beat you unconscious multiple times for no reason at all, and even killed you once or twice. But in the last lifetime, you acted aggressively toward me for some unknown reason. You called me a hurtful name, and the trauma of that incident has carried over into the present life. Now, whenever I am in the same room as you, I get so nervous that it drains my energy. As this is totally your fault, I demand that you quit the company this instant and go look for another job. If you do not, I will be forced to file a complaint with HR.”

That should solve your problem. Best of luck.

Question: I recently realized that I need an open marriage in order to move forward spiritually. It’s part of my path, but unfortunately my wife is against the idea. She simply refuses to place my spiritual needs above her own self-interests. What should I do?

Answer: In spirituality, you must take responsibility for your own actions. You were the one who married the selfish b*tch in the first place, and now are frustrated when she shows her true self. Do you need a hug or something?

Of course, enlightenment is more important than taking responsibility, so you need to get rid of this dead weight as soon as possible. Once you are free from your wife, go out and find the objects of sexual gratification that you so intensely desire. (You have no chance of succeeding, but you never know until you try.) Once you are finished screwing around (with women and life in general), you are ready to suffer a few lifetimes of pain for the intense karmic burden which you have now incurred. If you are not a complete moron, you will at this point consider a more “enlightened approach” for dealing with your future sexual desires.

Question: I have been working on manifesting $1 billion for a month now, but nothing is happening. I’ve been doing everything right, such as burning through cash as if I’m already loaded with money. But for some reason, instead of becoming filthy rich I’ve somehow ended up in tremendous debt. Am I doing anything wrong?

Answer: Not at all! In fact, you are doing everything right. Spirituality is about the endless pursuit of material things that the ego thinks it needs to be happy. (At least that’s what the devil in my head is telling me.)

When there are periods of doubt, it is time to “double down”. God rewards those who are faithful, and your faith is obviously being tested. So go big or go home (if you still have one). Reach out to your family and friends about loaning you money and let them know that you are good for it, because you are about to become filthy rich. If anyone refuses to loan money, it is because those people are not as spiritually evolved as you are, and are jealous of your attainments. You don’t need such people in your life, so get rid of them. 

By the way: one of the most effective ways to receive abundance is by giving. I’ve included my bank details in the reply; something along the lines of 6-7 figures should be enough to “get the ball rolling”, if you know what I mean. Best of luck to you: you’re going to need it.

Question: My husband has suddenly announced he is leaving me and the children to join a monastery. He claims it is the only way for him to gain enlightenment, and that he is following the example of Buddha. What the hell?

Answer: I did a tarot card reading on your husband and drew “The Fool”. I don’t think it relates to the situation in any way, so I’m going to go with logic instead. In short: your husband has been depressed for years. However, he has decided to blame his unhappiness on his marriage rather than his mental health. Now he is using spirituality as an excuse to run away from life, rather than face it and own up to his problems. 

No enlightened monks would allow such a mentally ill person into their monastery. So if he succeeds in joining one, they will all deserve each other. 

In the meantime, note that the Buddha ensured his family was completely supported before skipping town. If your husband has forgotten about this small detail, a little history lesson is in order. Anything less than you being set for life, financially speaking, could seriously hurt your husband’s chances of reaching enlightenment.

P.S. According to your spirit guide, your husband’s decision to leave is the best thing that has happened to you in a long time. So I’m not going to wish you the best of luck, because it appears that luck is already on your side.

Question: I’m a 15 year-old female and my 28 year-old male neighbor keeps telling me all the sexual things he is going to do to me once I’m legal, which I find a bit creepy. But he is very spiritual and says that when I do make love to him for the first time, it will clear away all my karma. So I should definitely have sex with him, right?

Answer: You are definitely one of the lucky ones. Not every mentally ill person is willing to wait until you are legal in order to f**k you (in every sense imaginable). Please note however: your spirit guide (or possibly my imagination) just informed me that your pervert neighbor has recently joined the “Order of the Flaming Monkey”. He will now have to remain celibate for the next 40 years. During this time, you are required to test him to make sure he has vanquished jealousy. This is accomplished by entering into healthy relationships with men your own age while ghosting him…but only for 40 years. Once his period of celibacy is complete, you are free to contact him again and congratulate him on his spiritual attainments. Best wishes.

Question: I read somewhere that drinking alcohol lowers your vibration, and that spiritual people shouldn’t drink. Is that true?

Answer: There are no rules in spirituality. Instead, everything depends on your path and your level of spiritual attainment. In fact, I’ve just checked your aura and concluded that in your case, drinking alcohol might actually raise your vibration. 

But just to make things clear: there may be a slight difference between a glass of wine upon occasion, and getting totally wasted every night. But my modern crystal ball (aka magic 8-ball) can’t confirm that at the moment, so I’m going to let you determine what your personal truth is on this one.

Question: I want to use sex to achieve enlightenment. How do I do this?

Answer: That’s a great question, and I’m glad somebody had the courage to ask! 

Here are the steps you need to take: (1) Remove all your clothes and sit on your bed. (2) While watching your girlfriend and your best friend have sex in front of you, ponder the following question over and over in your mind: “What is the sound of one hand slapping?”  Using this technique (without any breaks), you will reach enlightenment in approximately five to forty-five years.

Question: I recently threw away all my religious beliefs and became a spiritual person. But oddly enough, my husband (who I’ve been married to for 15 years) has decided to stick to his outdated religious beliefs. What is the problem with this moron? Can’t he see how wrong he is?

Answer: Um, no. He can’t.

But you can definitely help him “see the light”. Accept and love him for the loser that he is. But be sure to let him know that it is your high level of spiritual attainment that makes it possible for you to be able to love him unconditionally despite him being such an ignorant fool. Once you point this out to him, he will be in such awe of your spiritual greatness that he will bow down before you and ask you to be his guru. (Don’t be too quick to reject his pleas, however. Someday he might actually become a decent human being.)

Question: I’m a spiritual person who is currently single. How do I find my soulmate?

Answer: Which one are you looking for? The soulmate that you broke up with four years ago, the one that dumped you after you verbally abused him, or the one that you still occasionally sleep with from time to time. You might want to read the book “How to Love and Appreciate Your Soulmate”, although I’m not sure if this will help. I’ve just finished reading the notes your guardian angel left before she hung herself. According to her, you aren’t looking for a soulmate; you are looking for a mind-reading house slave. Therefore, I am enclosing a copy of the novel “Asshole in the Mirror”. Don’t read anything into it; it’s purely for your enjoyment.

Question: My wife is one of those meat eaters (gross). Eating meat is unhealthy and causes you to die faster. How do I convince her to give up this barbaric and unenlightened habit?

Answer: According to the tea leaves I’ve just thrown across my altar, your wife is purposely eating meat in order to shorten the time she spends with you in this current lifetime. It appears that she doesn’t leave you due to the fact that her time spent living together with you has wiped out any self-respect she once had for herself.

The solution is to divorce her so that she can find a happy relationship. This will give her the motivation she needs to be able to eat meat and actually enjoy it for a change.

Conclusion

OK, that’s all for now. But I’m 99% certain that one of the questions above was also your question. So you’re welcome, and good luck!


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