Setting: Board meeting of the True Church of Christ. In attendance: Melissa, Charlie, Sally, and John
M: OK, now to old business. John, can you please give us an update on attendance figures?
J: Yeah, they are fucking terrible. They’ve been steadily dropping for 6 months in a row. Our revenues are falling, and shareholders are getting nervous. They say there’s no profit to be made in religion anymore.
C: Oh that’s such bullshit! As long as there are people on this planet, there is money in religion!
J: Shut up Charlie, stop interrupting. Look, people are starting to doubt this whole God bullshit. There’s this talk going around that an unconditionally loving God wouldn’t send people to hell. It’s almost as if people have learned how to use logic. That means we’re in some serious shit here, and we need to come up with something good to get these dumbasses back in line.
M: Sally, you mentioned before the meeting that you had come up with an interesting idea?
S: Yes Mellisa, I sure did. (Melissa looks excited, while Charlie and John roll their eyes.)
S: so as you know, that Jesus guy always spoke in symbols and stuff. I mean, nothing that he said was supposed to be taken literally.
C: (groans and then mutters): She thinks she’s a fucking preacher now.
S: Now, there’s that thing in the Bible about the blood of Christ and body of Christ being very important. Jesus was obviously talking about…well, we don’t really know: that dude was smoking if you ask me. But what if we say that he wasn’t? (Has an excited look in her eyes.)
C: Say he wasn’t what? Smoking?
S: No, no! What if we say he wasn’t speaking symbolically? And that everyone must have the blood and body of Christ? We could offer the body and blood of Christ in our services!
J: Sal, exactly how are we supposed to do that?
S: It’s so simple! We take some crackers and wine, pray over it, and then tell people that it has changed into the actual body and blood of Christ!
C: That is fucking disgusting! Are you out of your mind!? I’m going to fucking puke now!
J: Sally, that’s some messed up shit! Nobody is going to fall for that bullshit. People are not that stupid.
M: Guys, hold on for a moment. Just think about it. If we tell people that we offer the body and blood of Christ, then they are going to come running to us.
C: Are you kidding me? This is such bullshit!
M: No, it’s not. And it’s not even about that people are just stupid, although there is that. They are also lazy. So even if they don’t believe that we are giving them a sacred picnic, they won’t care. We are simply offering them an easy way out, and that is what people want.
J: An easy way out of what?
M: An easy way out of hell. We are giving them the secret handshake, the keys to heaven, whatever you want to call it. Hell, if that stupid Bible says they need the body of Christ, we’re going to fucking give them the body of Christ.
C: Oh, this is crazy!
S: It’s not as crazy as believing that we live in a democracy! And think of all the people that believe that bullshit!
M: Alright, enough. I think Sally’s idea is excellent, so we are going to set up a test run at one of the local churches. If it’s successful, we are going to roll this project out across all our worship centers. Got it?
C: Do what you want, but I’m not taking the blame for this shit. It’s not going to work.
M: OK, let’s move on to new business. I’ve got a demand in from Father Frist. He says he wants a private jet or he’ll walk. He claims that the New Church of Christ is offering him a better contract, and that they’ve agreed to buy out his contract with us.
C: Do you really believe that? I think Frist is full of shit.
S: What does he want with the private jet?
M: Supposedly, Epstein won’t let Frist ride with him anymore now that Epstein is officially dead. And Frist is now complaining that he hasn’t gotten any pussy in weeks. He also claims that Jeffrey can’t suck his dick worth a shit.
J: So now he needs a jet to pick up girls? Dude, is his Ferrari holding him back or something?
M: Look, this is serious. Frist is simply too popular to lose. Our member confidence rating has been unsteady ever since the last sex scandal, so it’s vital that we keep Frist, and keep him happy. So unless there are any objections, I’m going to direct Val to start the purchase process…